home

Coming home used to be filled with much happiness and excitement. But not this time. As I stepped off the plane, sadness overcame me and I just can't describe how exactly I felt. Part of me was quite happy knowing that just outside the gates, my mom, brother and Lec were waiting for me. But a bigger part was dreading to see what I tried to escape from for the past 48 hours.

It was a sad smile when I finally saw them just down the ramp. No words were exchanged, just tight hugs, but everyone knew the unspoken words. I was holding Lec's hand the entire ride from the airport to Loyola Memorial. I was still ok by then, catching up with my family and trying to absorb everything that has happened from that fateful Friday evening.

But as soon as the car entered the gates of Loyola and I got a glimpse of all the flowers outside my dad's chapel, I just broke down and literally cried like a baby. Seeing is believing and that's when it really hit me. My mom, sis, brother and Lec were around me, and I distinctly remember some of my uncles trying to comfort me. I cried for a good half an hour or so and the whole time, I was just in the car and couldn't bring myself to come down.

When I finally calmed down, Lec was holding my hand as I went down the car and entered the chapel but as soon as I saw the white casket up ahead, I broke down all over again. It's the saddest and most painful thing ever. I can't remember how long I cried all over again but I just couldn't bring myself to look at my dad. Not yet. I stayed at the back of the chapel with the rest of the family.

We finally headed home at around 2am already. I was so tired but sleep is an alien thing at the moment. Try as I might, I just can't sleep. I just laid down waiting for the sun to rise, finally accepting that he's gone, but knowing that he's in a much better place already...