tired

It has been a very loooong day. It's already 2am here and I'm so tired but I'm not sleepy. I don't think I can sleep. I guess I'm still in denial. I remember asking my roomie this morning if I was just dreaming. This is the worst thing that has happened to me, and I guess to everyone in my family, and what makes me feel really bad is I didn't get the chance to see him anymore. 2 weeks. Just a few more days, but he didn't wait for me.

I felt as if I was floating the entire day, trying to just go through the motions and get it over with. One moment, I'm ok but when I suddenly realize that he's gone, I just breakdown. I wasn't prepared at all. No one was. And I'm dreading my flight home coz I'll just be all alone and I have all those 16 hours or so just by myself and I know, that's when things will finally sink in.

I'm so thankful for my roomie and good friends Abel, Fro and Scott who immediately came over right after work and kept me company. Not to mention help me pack all my stuff. I can't imagine how I could have done everything without them.

I'm still in shock. I guess until I finally see it for myself, I won't believe that it really happened. Now I realize that even though so many people are saying that it's gonna be ok, truth is, it will never be. And I'm scared and sad and everything else in between, coz things will never be the same again. Ever.

The only thing I regret right now is not being able to see him for the past 6 months. And I just realized that the last thing I told him in person was 'goodbye', as I was leaving for the airport.

But I was able to talk to him last Father's Day and my last words to him were 'I love you, papa'. But never did I imagine that that's the last time I'll be able to say it to him out loud. He was even so excited that I'll be going home in a few days.

All the excitement that I had these past days vanished in just a snap. And now, I'm dreading to come home.

I'm not ok and I don't know when I'll be ok. And the only comfort I have right now is knowing that he's in a better place already, away from all the pain and hardship he has been going through.

I love you, papa. And I miss you so much.